I left with more insecurities than I came with.  He always said things like, “You are the smallest girl I have ever dated” or “I don’t usually date “dark skinned” girls”.  I was never self-conscious about my weight as a matter of fact I was always fit and in good shape.  My complexion has never been an issue for me either but I soon realized that dealing with his issues was creating more issues for me.

When he realized I was unmoved by his comments and opinions about my complexion and weight, he focused on the fact that no one would want me because I was now a single mother raising our children. I guess he thought that by telling me no one wanted me I would endure everything he continued to dish out.  I endured it for more than awhile; long enough for me to believe it.  If he couldn’t have me then no else could and he was going to make sure that I thought no one did. The way he put it “I was all used up”. I even convinced myself that I would never date. Those thoughts couldn’t have been further from the truth but I had internalized his opinions of me.

And of course I was stupid. I think he was really trying to tell me just how stupid I was for giving him the time of day. I had graduated from college, went back to work on a 2nd BA and then started a Master’s program. But in his mind, I was stupid and even though I knew I wasn’t the constant ridicule led me to constantly second-guessing myself and seeking the approval of others.

I had to relearn my truth and affirm it often to shed the insecurities. I had to start believing in myself again, recapturing dreams and goals that he convinced me weren’t attainable.  I began to keep a journal and write down every idea that came to mind.  I wrote things down like, I want to start a t-shirt line, a marketing business, a non-profit organization, etc.  I figured if my mind could imagine it then I should take the time to at least honor the thought and write it down.  My first attempt at a t-shirt line ended because of fear.  I doubted and second guessed myself.  But I wrote and daydreamed some more about what it would be like to actually achieve what I was writing.  The more I wrote the clearer the dream became.  Until one day after the relationship was over, I was finally living exactly what I had been writing.  How your story begins does not have to be how it ends.  And the people you begin with don’t always make it to the end.  Dare to rewrite your story.  Dare to dream a new dream.  But never allow someone else’s insecurities to become your own.

I show my scars so that others know they can heal.” Someone needs to see your scars!

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Sunday Mourning