AngerThe very person that I said I never wanted to be like was the person I was becoming.  If things didn’t go his way, he got upset.  He argued. He lashed out.  He yelled. He cursed. He was full of anger.  I thought that if I just did things right the first time he would be happy.  But I soon realized that nothing that I did would ever be right or enough for him.  So I joined in with the screaming and yelling.  He raised his voice, I raised mine.  He cursed, I cursed.  Hurt people, hurt people.  Now we were both hurt, hurting each other and I had become what I said I would never be.

I didn’t realize how much the relationship had impacted me until I left.  I had a hard time expressing myself when I was upset.  I was even having difficulty communicating with my children. I could go from 0-100 in 2.5 seconds.  I found myself always complaining or finding something to complain about, even if I was complaining about something that I had the power to change.  I was on the defense even if there wasn’t an offense.  I even settled for the, “I’m just being me” excuse for a while.  But the truth was the relationship changed me. Abuse changes you.  I was no longer being me.  I don’t even think I knew who I was anymore.

For a while, I beat myself up over the person I had become because I didn’t know how to get back to being the person I had been.  I realized I had to do some soul searching when the inner turmoil I was feeling became the hell I was living.  My life was falling apart.  I was running away from a relationship but still carrying all the baggage.  I had to learn how to surrender.  I was fighting to regain control over my life but the fighting was just creating more battles.  I had to give up everything I had learned to learn something new.

I began reflecting and writing.  I finally gave myself permission to feel the pain of my experiences.

We get angry because it makes us feel in control because we are afraid to go into the hurt.

You are never angry for the reason that you think that you are.

Rather than be angry, try going deep into the hurt to actually feel it and be vulnerable to it.

That is how you go through the pain and can come out on the other side to find the love.  

(Iyanla Vanzant on Anger)

When I became vulnerable to the pain the wounds were able to heal.

I show my scars so that others know they can heal.” Someone needs to see your scars!

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Sunday Mourning