Financial abuse is present in many domestic violent relationships.  Financial abuse is often characterized by a victim having limited access to financial resources by not being allowed to work or being forced to work and hand over their wages.  My situation was a little different.  He would refuse to work whenever we got back together, losing his job almost overnight each time.  I didn’t have to hand over my paycheck, but everything went towards paying the bills.  He would even ask to borrow money knowing he had no means to pay it back.  I was left with nothing quite often for myself.  I remember when I finally made the decision that I had endured enough.  I had lost my job and we had been evicted from our apartment.  We had been leaving in a weekly motel.  I had found work but it was just enough to keep a roof over our head temporarily. He still wouldn’t look for work.  In fact, he would leave to go hang out as soon as I got home and stay gone until late at night.  I realized in my heart that whether I was with him or not, I was still doing everything on my own.

Post relationship he refused to provide any financial support, working off and on then quitting so I could not get child support.  Unfortunately sometimes the aftermath of leaving an abusive relationshp is what puts women back in an abusive situation.  I want to paint a realistic picture because some people still don’t understand #whyIstayed, why so many others have stayed and why some are still staying.

There were many nights that I went to sleep wondering how I would provide for our children.  The only solution that he would ever provide was that I send the children to him.  I couldn’t imagine living without my children.  But I also didn’t understand how a man that wasn’t working and refusing to pay child support could possibly provide for 5 children.  It was just another way to make me feel inadequate and as if I wasn’t doing enough.  I allowed it to get to me for a while.  But then I realized that I was doing the best that I could with what I had and I was continuously striving for more.  I wasn’t going to continue to allow him to beat me up emotionally or beat myself up.  It was just another way for him to try and maintain control.

The abuse didn’t stop because the relationship was over.  It didn’t even stop when I moved to another State.  It stopped when I no longer looked to him to provide something that he was not capable of, support.  He was not able to do anything that in his mind gave up any form of the control he wanted or thought he had.  Has it been easy providing for my children alone? No. But the peace that I have found makes it all worth it.  I know that the journey is not easy and at times you may even feel discouraged but don’t give up.

I show my scars so that others know they can heal.” Someone needs to see your scars!

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Sunday Mourning